Godly Feels

Im having such feels in regards to the deities that I work with. In some way, I am wanting to delve deeper into the world of devotion. This scares the ever living shit out of me.

I grew up Catholic. I grew up Roman Catholic. If that doesn’t explain it right there, then I can’t help you understand just how damned lost I am.

What the hell am I supposed to do? How do I work with them? How do I devote time to them? How to I work? Do I pray? Do I.. what? I’m lost and really don’t know where to go with this. I wanted to journal my way through this new thing. But will it stick? Can I stick to being more religious/spiritual? I hate religious term usage, mainly because people assume that if you are religious, you want God and the Bible shoved down your throat.

How can I tell people that hey! Your God royally screwed me over as a kid, I don’t want to hear jack shit about the “gentle and caring” God. Because what God lets their faithful deal with bullying, sexual assualt, and all other shitfests that cause severe emotional and mental trauma at the age of 7-9. The age where you don’t understand why your God won’t help you out or listen to you.

I’ve come to peace… not really. I really have respect that people believe in God and Jesus and the Christian faith. My mother is now Greek Orthodox. That shit makes more sense than Catholicism! And she at least doesn’t try to steer me from my devil path to the path of light and love and blah.

God, I feel like I’ve been keeping all this bundled up. But that damned fear from when I was a child.. it’s passed on to now.

What if my Gods that I love and want to work with.. what if they do the same? When I need them, will they be there for me?

The answer is yes. I’ve never had my deities tell me no. I’d have to work for what I asked for as a payment, but they still did it for me. I can call upon Thor at any time to help me when I am scared or when I need his love. I can call upon Sedna for her strength and emotional support. I can call upon Bastet for the love of a Mother, for confidence in myself and my abilities. I can call upon Kurai’iana to help me heal from pain and to feel the cooling touch of someone who can help me heal and grow. I can call upon Skadi, whom I’ve barely worked with, to be the backbone when I can’t stand for myself.

They ALL have come to my aid, when the Christian God left a child to fend for themselves and never answered. I have no love for Him. Only respect because the God my Mother loves, answers her.

I want to journal my learning and devotional things, but can I post them here? Can I truly be so open and honest with what I’m learning?

The truth is no. I can’t. There is not a privacy to this. I can share things that are relevant, but I cannot share the magic and the lessons they teach. The private moments of the Leanel Harvest, the marriage ceremony between myself and Thor. I’ll keep this updated when I can, but I know that there are so many things to add that I can’t share here because it’s too public.

Which way should I go? Should I create a new WP that is private? Should I do a Word Document? Where?

The hardest part is starting and I have to make a decision. Where do I start?

The Journey

I was given the best opprotunity to partake in. I was given a free admission ticket to the Natural Living Expo, in which there were over 130 vendors of the Metaphysical variety. There was the option to do 56 different workshops, and one truly caught my attention. Shamanism. Specifically that not only would there be an introduction to it, but they were going to help guide us into a Shamanic Journey.

I am aware that Journey’s (not Vision Quests), are extremely personal to everyone, especially the conversations, but I tend to be more open about things except those of a sexual nature. I will be posting my experience, including the question, answer, and anything else that occured. There is much symbolism within it, and examining it later would and will be beneficial. Plus, I know that there are some it could benefit too, to see another’s Journey.

We learned that this particular brand of Shamanism originated from a tribe within the Andes Mountains, within the Amazon. We started out with a ‘lecture’ about what Shamanism is, but before he spoke, we conducted a Opening Ritual, where we invoked those of the directions, the earth, and the sun. He spoke about what Shamanism is, how it is today, and things about it. I wrote down all that I heard, plus recorded it.

When it was time to partake in the Journey, he was quite thoroguh with giving us not only directions on how to, but where, and what to say or do. The lights were dimmed and we settled into our spaces. The drums began and I closed my eyes, reveling in their beat. Three different sounds, so beautiful together.

I stood before a cave, one that was dark to me, but I called upon my Guide. I don’t interact with him often, but I knew that he was the one that needed to be with me on this. He is a winged dire wolf, near and dear to my heart. I felt the twin were pups (though grown to be no longer pups) join me. The drums were strong and steadfast and almsot made it difficult to Journey. I walked with them into the cave and it was dark, but not so much that I couldn’t see. I stepped with determination. It was awhile walking through the cave when I began to run, knowing that I did not have much time as it was to actually wander like I do when I Travel.

The were pups faded away the closer I got to the end of it. I surmise that they were not meant to come with me on this part of the Journey.

The darkness faded away to this bright forested area, where I could see over top and the distant mountain ahead. I was not sure how long it would take me to get there, so we set a fast pace through this forest. It was quiet for awhile, until we came across this 5 foot large green snake that had black stripes on the back. Later research is showing that it’s a green tree python that has black spots/stripes. I may draw a picture later on.

This python stopped and when we stopped, it slowly slid toward me and climbed up my left leg. It was not awkward to walk, but the snake perched itself around the entirety of my left leg. We continued to walk without a word, until  large golden and grey feather floated down in front of me. I caught it in midair and then stuck it into my hair. We continued.

When we drew closer to the edge of the foest and base of the mountains, my Guide spoke.
“We are here.”

I walked forward and I remembered that the man who was teaching the Shamanism spoke that we will meet them in three different ways, 1) Sight [Clairvoyance], 2) Sound [Clairaudience], 3) Sensing [Clairsentience]. Thankfully, with my work in both spirit work and Astral Travel, I was able to achieve all three. The Teacher was different, the shape never stayed the same, but the base form was humanistic, though there were aspects of feline to them. I did not wish to be rude and look at them extremely carefully.

“Teacher, I have been sent here as part of a Journey, so that I my experience it and to learn an answer to a question that I have. But I first want to return this to you.”

I gave the teacher the green snake, and then waited for them to respond.

“I thank you for returning him to me. What brings you?”

“I come with a question, Teacher. May I ask you?”

“Ask and I shall answer.”

“I know that I have a soulmate with a physical body and I know who he is. I know that we are supposed to meet. My question is this, are we supposed to meet in this lifetime, if so, then when and how soon? I cannot live much longer without being with him.”

The Teacher was silent for awhile, staring at me and assessing. The energy was really strong and very pointed on examining me.

“Instinct. Trust your instinct. Work hard on Believing. He said he would find you, he will o so. Trust and meet him halfway.”

Extra that I picked up from the conversation, was that the Teacher meant that meeting halfway meant that I was to believe in him.

“May I ask one more?”

The Teacher nodded and I asked, “May I have a gift?”

The Teacher smiled and then reached out, allowing for me to lean down near them. They placed the snake on my left arm which wrapped around and the head rested over my shoulder and on the right shoulder.

“I give you the snake and I also give you the feather.”

I could hear the beat of the drum change, letting us know that we need to come back. The Teacher looked to me and smiled.

“You must return.”

“Thank you.”

A brief nod, “Trust. Go.”

They shoved me and I came back and very jarred from the abruptness of being forced to leave. The person lecturing us walked around once everyone was back t make sure that they were actually there and they were grounded. When doing so, he asked about the gifts. People were talking about all these gifts: Clam with a Pearl, a Pendant, A Feather, Clairvoyance and Clairaudience, Piercing the Veil, to name a few. This was when he smiled and said that everyone recieved these gifts, as we all traveled together for this. It was quite fascinating and amazing.

I must go back and speak with the snake to see reason for his appearance, as well as what he has to say or why he was gifted. So many questions. When I came out of it, I could literally feel the wieght of the snke resting in the same place as when I was in the Lower World. I could feel the sentience and the spirit that was there, even the feather within my hair.

Forward to later on, I am walking around the expo and keep getting drawn back to this huge and lovely oval Labradorite. I have not worked with this stone much if at all before. So I walked to the lady and ask her the importance metaphysically. She spoke of it being a way for people to access inter-dimensions, oher worlds, other beings. I decided to look it up on the web and see if I could know more. Low-and-behold, this stone is the stone of Shamans, of those who origianlly found it, the Inuit. I was shocked and amazed, it was a stone that I was looking for, yet never truly knew what it was for.

I purchased it, and it is a gorgeous piece that sits on my altar. I had carried it around for two days, but it had broken when it dropped to the ground. It broke clean, but still I felt devastated. There are plans, and it may come to pass, but I have yet to decide. It would fit perfectly as a ritual necklace.

When I returned home from the Expo, I was pleasantly surprised to find that my Archaeology of Ritual class had me reading about the Andean culture. Somehow, it is not a coincidence, though I dont know what it means.

 

Skaði, Fletchings For You

After placing that crystal on the altar for You, I have begun picking up beautiful feathers, thinking of You when I do. I am hoping that you enjoy them, for I only pick the best for You.

I am not sure if I am going to with Her, but I might as well make nice and give Her something for this. I have yet to reach out to her in an official capacity, but I do find myself thinking of Her quite often than not.

I was upset with my cats when they destroyed the pretty mocking bird feather I placed on it for you. So I am keeping those in my car until I can figure out how to offer them properly. I just don’t know if you want to work with me. I dont know if this is just a fancy that I am drawn to you, or if I want to go through with it. Time will be a tell. In the meantime, I’ll offer feathers for your arrows.

Skaði 

As odd as it sounds, I have been drawn to the ice. The cold Winter. Ever since I read about the Aeon Shiva from Final Fantasy. A bold and warrior woman, blue skin and white-blue hair. Set in braids or in dreads, I am not sure. She sucked me in when I was reading. I felt the connection.

Now that I am open to working with another, that I have devoted to the four (almost so). Skaði has been on my mind since I saw this picture of her. Granted it is still PopCulture of Smite (the game), but it is still her.

I am not sure what to do, should I wait until after I get Devoted to the others? Or should I talk with her now? I have been cold lately, very cold. I wonder if she lurks because I have been thinking about Her. If so, would she be willing to work alongside Thor? I do hope so.

I just look at the picture and I just feel it. I feel the strength and the confidence of Her. I feel the connection, but is it time yet? I will wait and see, working on it slowly and seeing where things may go.

Although, I am curious because the Wolf is Kaldr (that would be PCP work), but I do wodner what type of beings and creatures she works with. The Wolf also draws me in, not as Kaldr, but as the creature in of itself. I cannot wait to see where this goes.

My Sincerest Apologies

To Lilith, the Goddess that has only looked out for me.

I have wronged you with what I said, what I came to the conclusion of without a second’s thought.

I apologize for the hurt I caused because of irrationality, but I still take that responsibility of it happening.

You may be the Lilith of the Books, of the Myths. You may be the Lilith of another time and place. But you are still the Lilith that I want to be with, to work with. You’ve comforted and cared for me as a Daughter. You have watched over me silently.

You accepted my role with those I toss die with, and they have accepted you.

This is where I wish that I was not a human mind. A human mind influenced by those at certain times. A mere human that is not able to grasp the wholeness of the world and of the deities. Complexity is but an aspect of oneself.

Forgive me, dear Lilith, for I do still want to work with you and those you call dear. Tonight I light incense to you, as an offering of peace and asking forgiveness. 

I do well to learn that not all lore is accurate just as not all stories are told publically. You are who you are, both good and bad, and I accept that. Just as I accept all the Aspects of the others.

In my mind, the scenarios that have a washed over me, I only hope they were just that. 

It may take days to much longer to forgive me, if not ever. I hope it will be soon.

Final Parting

Over the past few months I have felt the upheval that has stemmed from both the Lilith’s Own and the Rajael Ravstervrajh. Both races have been in turmoil and very unstable. Last night it all came to a head, and it was revealed that I held both of those contracts through Lilith.

Lilith has been here and not here. She has never stayed in one place long enough for me to really connect with her. Through her, I met some amazing races, and ones that I have been hoping to stick with for quite some time. Unfortunately, those two cultures have started a civil war and the other has been in a political upheval. They have become extremely dangerous to work with, and I am sad to see that the contracts must leave.

Thor does not like Lilith, and Lilith does not like Thor. For very good reasons, I have learned. I was only sort of aware of her past, but it was not her directly that I worked with. But there had to be a council when I learned of Lilith’s history and who she was. It was not the reason for the parting of ways, though it does have some small sliver.

Lilith is the one that is backing out. While she is upset, she is the one that chooses to leave because of the Oathing to Thor. I will miss the contracts and the ones that I got to learn from. I will miss the occasional witty banter from Lilith. It’s not a hard thing and I hope that when the civil war from the Rajael settles down, that I may reconnect with them. Although the last time I visited, when I was ejected from the realm, the palace hall was covered in blood and wreckage. It may be a long time before there is that reconnection.

This is our final parting, Lilith, and our parting of our ways.
Farewell, and may we be parted on good terms. May there be peace between us.