Im having such feels in regards to the deities that I work with. In some way, I am wanting to delve deeper into the world of devotion. This scares the ever living shit out of me.
I grew up Catholic. I grew up Roman Catholic. If that doesn’t explain it right there, then I can’t help you understand just how damned lost I am.
What the hell am I supposed to do? How do I work with them? How do I devote time to them? How to I work? Do I pray? Do I.. what? I’m lost and really don’t know where to go with this. I wanted to journal my way through this new thing. But will it stick? Can I stick to being more religious/spiritual? I hate religious term usage, mainly because people assume that if you are religious, you want God and the Bible shoved down your throat.
How can I tell people that hey! Your God royally screwed me over as a kid, I don’t want to hear jack shit about the “gentle and caring” God. Because what God lets their faithful deal with bullying, sexual assualt, and all other shitfests that cause severe emotional and mental trauma at the age of 7-9. The age where you don’t understand why your God won’t help you out or listen to you.
I’ve come to peace… not really. I really have respect that people believe in God and Jesus and the Christian faith. My mother is now Greek Orthodox. That shit makes more sense than Catholicism! And she at least doesn’t try to steer me from my devil path to the path of light and love and blah.
God, I feel like I’ve been keeping all this bundled up. But that damned fear from when I was a child.. it’s passed on to now.
What if my Gods that I love and want to work with.. what if they do the same? When I need them, will they be there for me?
The answer is yes. I’ve never had my deities tell me no. I’d have to work for what I asked for as a payment, but they still did it for me. I can call upon Thor at any time to help me when I am scared or when I need his love. I can call upon Sedna for her strength and emotional support. I can call upon Bastet for the love of a Mother, for confidence in myself and my abilities. I can call upon Kurai’iana to help me heal from pain and to feel the cooling touch of someone who can help me heal and grow. I can call upon Skadi, whom I’ve barely worked with, to be the backbone when I can’t stand for myself.
They ALL have come to my aid, when the Christian God left a child to fend for themselves and never answered. I have no love for Him. Only respect because the God my Mother loves, answers her.
I want to journal my learning and devotional things, but can I post them here? Can I truly be so open and honest with what I’m learning?
The truth is no. I can’t. There is not a privacy to this. I can share things that are relevant, but I cannot share the magic and the lessons they teach. The private moments of the Leanel Harvest, the marriage ceremony between myself and Thor. I’ll keep this updated when I can, but I know that there are so many things to add that I can’t share here because it’s too public.
Which way should I go? Should I create a new WP that is private? Should I do a Word Document? Where?
The hardest part is starting and I have to make a decision. Where do I start?